A couple of months into my life here on earth I was confined to an oxygen tank, fighting for my life. My mother, loving God deeply in a very traditional religious way, prayed that if God would spare my life she would raise me to serve Him. I did not have much of a chance, did I?

Both my parents brought baggage into their marriage. My dad was emotionally, and to some extent physically, severely abused by his dad. Comments like, ‘You will not amount to anything in your life’ were common to him. My mom came out of a loving parental home but with 11 siblings and some older half-siblings, things were a bit rough and some of the girls were abused by the older brothers. The only way they knew was to hide all these things deep inside, put on your game face, and carry on with life. Despite the huge setbacks, both my parents are very talented and gifted individuals, but underlying were enormous ‘heart’ (emotional?) problems. Looking back I realise that I was born into this, and just like my folks, I would have to find God’s way out of this inheritance and legacy into something better for me and my children.

In standard five or six (around 1980) my parents became born again, were baptised in water and the Holy Spirit. This started a journey for them into greater fullness with God, which I am happy to report is still continuing.

I did not at that time encounter the saving grace of God, but grew up in a very protective home environment. My parents, especially my mom, were very protective of us – understandably. When I left home for varsity the freedom captivated me and I cut loose. Being a star on the rugby field fed my insecurities and my huge desire to be loved and accepted by people. This was strange because I knew love at home – but I got what my parents had and not what they were trying to protect me from – hurt inside. What was really sad was that in those days it seemed that church did not have the revelation of restoration we have today and that even in Christian circles problems were hidden and not dealt with. Can you imagine the stress of trying to please God with a heart full of almost uncontrollable evil? Those years were very difficult for them.

I was, on average, drunk twice a week. I was mixed up with total irresponsible living, morally, sexually and spiritually. I did not mix with the wrong crowd; I was considered the wrong crowd. The strange thing was that I ‘loved’ it. My studies went for an absolute loop. My dad, resolute to live his dream of education through us, encouraged me to stay on but to change my direction of study – not knowing what I was actually up to. I was a master at living a double life. Near the end of my second year we finally threw in the towel and decided that I should start my national service.

The huge fall from ‘star’ status as one of the “manne” at varsity, to standing on a parade ground with three thousand other boys being shouted at (and many other things in between), brought me to a place where I could see my total insignificance without God and on the fourth day in the ‘army’, in the shower, I broke down in tears and asked Jesus to come into my life. WOW!!!! I felt brand spanking new. A supernatural thing had happened to me!!! In a moment I was completely different. My two years in the army were AMAZING! I saw God do so much through me. Many young guys got born again and my desire to teach and shepherd them led to many hours of late night bible study with my troops and others.

I felt a call to full time service in the church (the result of my mother’s prayer) and after my two years of glorious national service, I became involved with the local church which I had been part of to study and serve. The pawpaw hit the fan! God was ready to take me on the journey that would deal with the iniquities in my heart. Up to then His grace covered all those underlying cracks, but now He would demolish the old broken down areas and build them new, from the foundations up.

Due to many contributing factors, a journey that could have been short lived and reasonably painless, culminated in a twelve year, extremely traumatic, very painful journey with a huge body count, and many wasted years. In those twelve years I broke many hearts, destroyed trust, caused hurt, offence, resentment, anger, and all kinds of relational breakdown.

I was like the double minded man James talks about – unstable in all his ways. I would get upset about a silly little thing and then not speak to anyone for weeks. I would possess such negative emotional ‘energy’ that I could paralyse those around me, preventing them from functioning properly. The next moment I would be up and be the most wonderful person to be around. Of course I could not, or rather would not see this. I was a monster! Amazingly through all this my gifts in God and His call for me had not changed. I could still operate spiritually even though I was malfunctioning emotionally and morally. I was like those who have a form of godliness, but deny the power thereof (2Tim 3:5).

I kept going like this for a time but realised that I was living a lie. I projected an image of spirituality but underneath the surface I was rotten. It took a friend telling me that if my life reflected what a Christian should be, then he did not want to be one. I was in ministry!! He was just perceptive enough to look through my good façade. I left the church and pursued a different career. This started an eight year season of basically being un-churched. I met Louise when I attended varsity (for the second time) and went into business.

It all came to a climax when, for all practical purposes, my marriage with Louise was destroyed to the point that only her merciful acts of forgiveness kept us together and gave us a fighting chance. That was when I finally bowed my knee to the Lordship of Christ in confession (1 Jn 1:9) and repentance (Mat 4:17). I found that the gospel or message of good news was that of the Kingdom of God – rather than a message of salvation only as I had been taught and I was clinging to up till then. I encountered the government of God – His rule over every aspect of my life – and my flesh did not like it at all. The strongholds that had been built in my emotional self due to the cracks in the foundations of my heart (through my inheritance from my parents and many other experiences and bad choices) were not going to give up control easily.

The wonderful thing about our Father is that He never gives up on us. He is ultimately secure in His ability to bring us to maturity even if it takes allowing us to squander an inheritance (like a prodigal). He allowed me to go all the way to the miry clay, to the gutter, to the slumps so that I could finally realise that His rule, His kingdom was the only answer. When I saw the evil I was capable of doing even as a ‘born again’ or saved person, I found a second crossroads in my life. The first was a crossroads of salvation; this was a crossroads of His Kingdom, His Kingship. Would I give His Word and Will the ultimate authority in my life? Would I allow the Word and Will to direct my thoughts and actions in every area, without being concerned with what I wanted or what others would think of me?

Something broke over my life for a second time. The first time it was a washing, but this time it was a purifying fire; a fire that would keep on burning in my life till this very day. I am regularly tested on this, especially in my emotions, but the Kingdom of God we have encountered here at CLC has given us a family, a household where we were able to see God’s authority take first place in our lives. I have wanted to run from it a couple of times when the going got tough – because that is what the flesh does: it runs from truth as the darkness has to flee before the light. I realised (through the relationships we found here) that instead of running from the light I needed to have the light examine every part of my existence, every corner of my thoughts and intentions. I did not have to run from God, but merely stand in His incomparable light and let the darkness in me flee before Him. The old patterns keep on wanting airtime from time to time in my life, they keep on trying to convince me that the old me is who I really am – but I know better now because Jesus Christ is the truth of who I am. When I look at Him it is as if I look into a mirror and see the reflection of myself (2Cor 3:18).

What have I learned from my journey?
• That God is faithful and what He has started in me, He will finish (Phil 1:6).
• That what is sometimes more important is what we get saved into (a church family where we can be fathered with God’s government) than what we get saved out of (as Dudley Daniels has taught).

• The only way to finding maturity and fulfilment is in submission to the authority of King Jesus – primarily as it manifests through the scriptures and those He has placed over me on this earth. I have seen that the scriptures do not excuse us from submitting at all, even if the leadership is bad (Heb 13:7, 17).

• I will one day give account for the many people I hurt, damaged and maybe even offended away from a relationship with God while I was in leadership. I pray that God would have mercy on me and work powerfully in them beyond what I have done – one day I will know. There is no excuse for what I have done to those that trusted and loved me (1 Cor 3:12).

• The Jesus I have met, the Christ of the world, is more powerful that any power and authority, He is majestic and glorious, He is beautiful beyond a word’s description, He is more gentle than a new born baby, yet more powerful than all the atomic power the world can produce. This is the Jesus I serve!

My prayer for you is that you would find and submit to the government of the King.

Thank you, CLC for embracing us and loving us; for giving me a second chance at God’s call for me. Even though I have been a prodigal you have given me an inheritance. Thank you for trusting us with your hearts. You are like blood family to us. Thank you, Craig and Andy for not standing back from the huge governmental call of God on your lives, and for seeing us through His eyes. Thanks, Craig and Mike for being those friends that are closer than a brother. Thank You God for loving me!

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.” (2 Cor 15:10).